


Long Distance Romance

by thatwriterlady



Series: Don't Break My Heart [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Betrayal, Cheating Castiel, F/F, F/M, Fear, Heartbreak, Heartbroken Dean, Love, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Needy Castiel, Romance, Self-Doubt, True Love, lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 18:25:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3457283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatwriterlady/pseuds/thatwriterlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you are stumbling across this it can be read independently of True Confessions, however you'll better understand this if you read True Confessions first.</p>
<p>The second (and final) part to True Confessions.  In this Dean and Cas are leaving for college, and Cas is in a happy little bubble where he believes Dean will follow him to Cambridge and attend school there because Cas doesn't want to give up his dream of attending Harvard.  He doesn't take into consideration that Dean might have dreams of his own.  They end up doing a long distance romance where Cas' own doubts and paranoia eat at him, and he ends up ruining the best thing that has ever happened to him.</p>
<p>***WARNING***</p>
<p>If you think True Confessions is full of angst, then please, grab a box of tissues before you read this, because this takes it a whole level higher.  I like angst, and it actually caused me a lot of stress writing this as ny heart broke for Dean, but follow it through to the end.  You'll be glad you did!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Long Distance Romance

**Author's Note:**

> This is angst to the nth degree. This is the second and final part to the Don't Break My Heart series. Someone asked for a continuation from True Confessions, so I wrote this, but I amped up the pain and heartache. Really, I'm not a sadistic person. If I was this certainly would not have ended the way it does. Keep your tissues on hand, you'll need them.
> 
> I hope you like it!

[  
](http://www.pizap.com/image/707476471pizapw1443659071.jpg)[piZap](http://www.pizap.com/u/707476471) on [piZap.com](http://www.pizap.com)

“Dean, I got accepted to Harvard.” Cas said. 

He was watching his boyfriend’s face closely. This news could go either way, and he really, really hoped Dean wouldn’t freak out over the news. They’d only been dating a few weeks and he was still so scared that one day Dean would wake up and change his mind, that he would suddenly decide Cas was the biggest mistake he had ever made. This fear had so far proven unfounded, Dean was the perfect boyfriend, loving and kind, and everything he could have wished for, yet still he had this nagging fear at the back of his mind that he couldn’t shake. He’d known Dean his entire life and he knew how he was. How he used to be, and he couldn’t help but feel like he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Dean smiled.

“That’s fantastic! I know you’ve wanted to go there since we were like ten. I’m happy for you!” 

Dean grabbed him, hugging him tight and Cas felt his worries slipping away. “Thank you. I’m excited.” 

He hugged Dean back, practically melting against him. “I applied to three schools in Massachusetts.” Dean revealed when they sat back. 

Cas’ eyes went wide. “You did? What schools?” 

He knew Dean’s grades were really good, but he wasn’t sure they were good enough to get into a school like Harvard. Dean was grinning wide. “Well, I knew I wouldn’t get into a place like Harvard, so I didn’t bother. Besides, I wasn’t interested in law. That’s Sammy’s future, not mine. But I was thinking teaching might be pretty cool. So…” 

He pulled a handful of envelopes from his back pocket and held them up. Cas snatched them from his hands and read the labels. The first one was for Northeastern University. It was already open so he knew Dean had read it. He opened it and pulled the letter out, scanning it quickly. 

“Oh my God Dean! You were accepted!” 

Dean’s smile grew even wider.

“And the best part is that it’s within walking distance of where you’ll be.” 

His excitement was even more intense than Cas’. Cas was still in shock. 

“When did you apply?” 

Dean shrugged. 

“I applied last year. I didn’t want my best friend running off to Massachusetts without me. I applied to nearby schools.” 

Cas shook his head. 

“You never cease to amaze me Dean.” 

Dean leaned in, kissing him. 

“Good, that means I’ll be able to keep you on your toes.” He kissed Cas again. “This is my college of choice by the way.” 

Now he just had to break it to his family.

Dean went home with the letters in hand and found his mother in the kitchen preparing dinner. She looked up when he walked in, and then looked past him. 

“No Cas?” She asked. 

He shook his head. “No, he got a job at the library, he works tonight til closing.” She smiled at her son and handed him a bowl. “Come on, help me peel some potatoes.”

Mary prepared the chicken breasts while Dean peeled and quartered the potatoes as he’d been instructed. She asked him about his day and he told her.  
When the conversation came to a pleasant lull he decided he wanted to tell her about the letters. 

“Hey mom?” 

She had just slipped the chicken into the oven and was putting the spices back in the cabinet when he spoke. 

“Hmm?” 

“Mom, I got some letters from colleges back.” 

She quickly turned around to face him, her eyes filled with excitement. 

“Which ones?” 

He put down the potato he’d been peeling and we rinsed his hands in the sink. 

“I didn’t tell Cas this, so please don’t tell him, ok?” 

She frowned. “What are you hiding from him?” 

“Just…hold on a minute, ok?” 

He ran up to his room and grabbed the letters he hadn’t brought to Cas’. He didn’t want Cas to know that he’d applied all across the country. Since they’d started dating he had primarily focused on the ones coming out of Massachusetts, but before they’d started dating he had wanted to attend school elsewhere. With the stack in hand he carried them down to the kitchen, only to find Sam there now. When he saw his brother he quickly shoved the letters in his back pocket. Sam was Cas’ friend too and could end up opening his mouth. 

“Did you get them honey?” Mary asked.

Dean nodded his head in his brother’s direction and shook his head. Mary turned to look at Sam. 

“Honey? Do me a favor and finish peeling these. I need Dean to run me to the store. I forgot a few things I need for dinner.” 

Sam nodded. “Ok.” 

Mary came around the island and pulling Dean by his arm tugged him out the door and over to the Impala. 

“Start talking. Why didn’t you want Sam to know?” She asked once they were both seated in the Impala and headed toward the grocery store. 

Dean sighed and pulled the letters out of his back pocket. 

“You know how Cas and I…” 

He shrugged, still feeling weird about calling Cas his boyfriend to his mom. He wasn’t ashamed of Cas, and he wasn’t afraid to call him his boyfriend, but this was his mom, and she had known Cas almost since he was in diapers. She pursed her lips at him, clearly irritated. 

“Dating? Just say it Dean, he’s your boyfriend.” 

He let out a groan. 

“Yeah, ok, well I didn’t tell Cas all the schools I was applying to. Some I applied to because dad wanted me to, and I applied to Stanford because that’s where Sammy wants to go, but I applied to other schools too. I didn’t get accepted to a lot of them, but I did get accepted to several that I was really interested in. I got a full ride to Stanford mom.” 

He pulled into the grocery store parking lot and pulled out the letters in his pocket. She took them when he handed them over, remaining calm and quiet as she looked through each of them. Sixteen letters in all, and he’d been accepted to seven of them. He was still waiting on a handful more to arrive too. 

“Where do you really want to go?” She asked. 

“I kind of wanted to go to Stanford, but Cas is going to be attending Harvard.” 

He slumped back in his seat and she could see the misery on his face. 

“I see. And you want to be near Cas?” She asked. 

“I do, I really do, and look.” 

He searched through the letters in her hand until he found the one for Northeastern. 

“I could walk to Harvard from here.” 

She read the acceptance letter. It was not a full ride like Stanford, only a partial ride. That meant he would have to get a job in order to afford a place to live and the rest of his tuition. That was a lot to put on an eighteen year old boy that would be halfway across the country, living all on his own. 

“Honey, this is a decision you need to make for you, not for Cas. And you can’t lie to him. He loves you, and if you explain it to him the right way you can make him understand.” 

She reached over and took her son’s hand. 

“Is Stanford where you really want to go?” 

He shrugged and nodded. “Sammy is graduating early, and he’ll be there too.” 

Mary shook her head. “No, you need to choose for you honey, not for Sam either. Where do you really want to go to school?” 

Dean eyed the stack of letters in her lap before meeting her eye. 

“I think I want to go to UIC, in Chicago. They have a great teaching program. I got a full ride too. And I can stay with Aunt Rose. She already said I could. So I don’t have to worry about an apartment.” 

Mary smiled. Her son was proving to be more mature every day. Her heart swelled with pride. 

“But Cas won’t understand. He acts like any moment he expects me to change my mind and leave him. I won’t, I can’t. I love him too much, but it’s really frustrating.” He complained. 

He knew that talking to his mother, things would stay between them. He could vent to her, safe in the knowledge that she would not repeat anything to Cas, or to anyone else. Aside from Cas, she really was his best friend. 

“Honey, no one knows you better than Cas does. And think about it from his point of view. You’ve never been with anyone longer than a few days to a week, and you never became emotionally invested in anyone. Until him. Of course he’s scared he’ll lose you. You don’t have the best track record. But he loves you so much honey. You’re his entire world, you always have been.” 

Leave it to his mom to be blunt yet sweet. 

“I don’t want to lose him because I want to go to school in Chicago mom.” 

“I know sweetheart, but couples go to school away from one another all the time. I stayed here when your dad went to college, and it was hard but I loved him so much, and I was right here waiting for him when he got back. If you and Cas really love each other, you can make this work.” She told him. 

Dean groaned. She was right, and he would have to talk to Cas. Soon.

Soon came faster than he had wanted. It was three days later and Cas was spending the night. They had just played a couple of games on Dean’s Playstation and Cas was now busy trying to finish up a paper for history that was due Monday. Eight weeks until graduation and he was on a mission to make sure every assignment he was given was turned in on time, and perfectly completed. Dean admired his determination. He was busy straightening up his room when Cas said his name. 

“Dean.” 

He turned around to see Cas holding the stack of letters. He had been laying across Dean’s bed, his feet under the pillows as he worked on the paper when he lifted a foot and a pillow tumbled to the floor. He had leaned down to pick it up and found the stack of letters under the bed. He was now sitting up and looking through them, a look of surprise on his face. 

“I can explain.” Dean said as he hurried over to the bed. 

He reached for the letters but Cas pulled them back, keeping them just out of his reach. 

“You applied to all of these schools?” He asked. 

Reluctantly Dean nodded. “I started applying last year.” 

As though that would explain everything. 

“So how many were you accepted to?” Cas asked, looking through the letters again. 

“So far? Seven, but I’m waiting on a few more.” 

There was no use lying, Cas could read him like a book. He sat down on the bed next to his boyfriend, feeling incredibly nervous suddenly. Cas could sense it. 

“Northeastern, it’s not really your school of choice, is it.” 

It wasn’t a question. 

“No, it isn’t.” 

He cringed at the look of hurt that crept across Cas’ face. 

“Where do you want to go then?” 

Dean reached into the stack of letters and pulled out the one from UIC. 

“Oh.” Cas said quietly as he read it. 

“I don’t have to go.” He said. 

“No, no, I get it. This is your dream, like Harvard is mine. I wouldn’t dream of asking you to turn your back on that for me.” 

Though Cas was trying to be supportive and sound calm his voice was breaking and Dean could hear the pain in it. He reached over and pulled Cas into his arms, holding him tight. He wasn’t sure what the right words were that would ease Cas’ mind, so he tried to speak from his heart. Cas valued honesty above everything.  
“Babe, I want to teach. UIC has a great teaching program. My Aunt Rose works there and my tuition is fully paid for, for all four years. I would live with her while I’m there, she already said I could. You met my aunt, she’s my mom’s sister. I will literally eat, sleep, and go to school until I finish with my degree. Then I’m coming right back to you. And I would see you on breaks, and over the summers. It’s not goodbye Cas. I promise you it’s not. I love you too much to ever say goodbye.”

Cas nodded. It was all he could do as his throat seemed to close up on him just at the thought of speaking. He wanted to be supportive. He wanted to be happy without that intense sense of dread that seemed to suddenly fill him up. He had this nagging voice at the back of his head that kept telling him that Dean would grow distant and eventually fall out of love with him. His heart hurt just at the thought of it. 

“I’m happy for you Dean, I really, really am. If that’s where you want to go to school, then we’ll find a way to make it work. I just got you, and I’m not ready to give you up without a fight.”

He pulled Dean into a kiss that conveyed every emotion he was feeling at that moment, and Dean pulled him closer, wanting Cas to realize how much he loved him, and that he was never going to leave him. It was a promise he fully intended to keep.

As far as Dean could tell, Cas had calmed down and come to accept that he would be going to school in Chicago, though he knew Cas was not happy about it. They took a portion of their grant money and they bought brand new laptops so they could Skype as often as possible, and they bought brand new cell phones to call one another. Dean left first, heading up to Chicago with his dad and Sam a week early so that he could get settled in at his aunt’s house, but he was miserable without Cas. He hadn’t realize just how much he really loved they guy until he wasn’t there every day to talk to, to hug, to make love to. It felt like a piece of his heart was missing without Cas there. When school started he was overwhelmed at first, struggling to find his groove and keep up with the full course load he had on his shoulders. He still called Cas every night, regardless of how tired he was, needing to hear his voice. He was happy to know that Charlie wasn’t far away from Cas. She was attending MIT and they were spending a lot of time together. 

Christmas break seemed to take forever to arrive and as soon as Dean knew he could leave, he had his plane ticket purchased. He met Cas and Charlie both at the airport in Kansas City, and once he had Cas in his arms again he never wanted to let him go. 

“I missed you much!” Cas kept saying between kisses.

“I think we get that already. Can we leave now?” Charlie asked as she tried to steer them toward the luggage corral.

“How are your classes?” Dean managed to ask when he was able to pry Cas off of him.

“Long, hard, tiring.” Cas replied with a deep sigh. 

They were heading back to Cas’ house in the Impala which Dean had been forced to leave behind when he’d left for school. It felt good to be back behind the wheel of his baby. Cas was curled up at his side and Charlie was busy on her laptop in the backseat. They talked about their schools, the friends they were making, and where they were thinking of going with their degrees on the trip home. When they reached the house Cas’ mom Lena was on the porch waiting, and she pulled both boys into bone crushing hugs. 

“I missed you!” She cried as she planted kisses on both of their cheeks.”

“I missed you too mom.” Cas told her as he kissed her forehead.

“Yeah, me too Mrs. Novak.” Dean added, planting a kiss of his own on the top of her head. 

Inside the rest of Cas’ family was waiting. His brother Gabe who attended college in town so that he could remain living at home was smiling and waiting with open arms when they walked in. He pulled his little brother into a hug. 

“I missed you Cassie! You don’t call me often enough.” He teased. 

Cas hugged him back before turning to his father and hugging him.

“You doing ok son? Do you need anything? Do either of you need anything?” His dad was asking.

“I’m good for now dad. Maybe some food to bring back before I leave would be great though. I don’t want to be one of those kids that survives on ramen.” Cas joked.

His dad nodded. “Of course! We’ll send you back with some food, and a gift card to get more.” 

Cas gave his dad another squeeze. Chuck Novak turned to look at Dean.

“You’re doing alright too son? Do you need anything?”

“I’m good. I’m staying with my aunt and she cooks way too much.” Dean replied.

Chuck hugged him.

“It’s not the same without you boys in the house. It’s too quiet.” 

Dean chuckled. “It’s not the same at my aunt’s either. It’s as quiet as a tomb. I’m bringing my Playstation back with me.”

“Your parents are on the way. I invited them for dinner.” Lena said.

Dean felt his heart flutter. He didn’t have to wait to get home to see his parents! He went back out to the car to help Cas bring his bags in. His dad pulled into the driveway as they were hauling the last few bags out and Dean dropped everything in his hands to run and hug his family. Mary was out of the car before he reached it and he picked her up, spinning her around.

“Oh baby, I missed you!” She said as she kissed her son. 

“I missed you too mom. Skype isn’t good enough.” He told her.

He set her down and grabbed Sam as he climbed out of the backseat. Sam hugged him tight.

“I missed you Dean.” 

“I missed you too Sammy.” 

Dean hurried to his dad and hugged him too. John laughed and clapped him on the back.

“Your ma’s right, we’ve missed you. How’s school? How’s your Aunt Rose? You driving her nuts yet?”

Dean was grinning. “No sir. I do my homework and I do my chores, just like you told me. And I stay out of her hair.”

Cas came over with Charlie and Mary hugged them both. 

“How are you doing? School is going well?” She asked them.

“It’s fantastic actually.” Charlie told her.

“It’s busy. I’m not getting enough sleep.” Cas said with a laugh.

He did look tired. Mary kissed his cheek and smoothed back what she could of his wild hair.

“That’s college for you. You keep at it and soon you’ll be finished with your degree and back home where you belong.” 

He smiled and nodded. She was right, he just had to make it through three and a half more years.

Dinner was a loud affair and as night came John loaded Charlie’s bags into his car so he could drop her off. Dean was staying behind with Cas and promised to come to the house in the morning. Once they were gone Cas and Dean excused themselves and headed up to Cas’ room. Once they were alone Dean pulled Cas into his arms and kissed him senseless.

“You have no idea how much I missed you baby.” He said softly between kisses.

Cas was pushing him back towards the bed and Dean let himself fall down on it. He moved back until his head was resting on the pillows, and Cas laid down next to him, curling up in his arms.

“I cried every night for two weeks without you.” Cas admitted as he nuzzled against Dean’s neck.

“I wasn’t doing so hot either. I think I talked nonstop to my aunt about you every day for a month, until she actually started avoiding me.” Dean said.

“We’re still ok though, right?” Cas asked, leaning his head back to look Dean in the eye.

“Of course we’re ok, and we’re going to continue to be ok.” Dean assured him, and Cas nestled back against him.

They were too tired to do much more than cuddle, and they fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms, still fully dressed. They didn’t hear Gabe open the door a few hours later and snap a picture of them.

The following morning Dean woke first. He had missed Cas terribly and despite having to pee, he was loathe to disentangle himself from his boyfriend. He lay there, warm and happy until his bladder began to protest too much. When he returned from the bathroom he found Cas awake, lying back on the bed with one arm behind his head, the other across his stomach, staring at the ceiling.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Dean asked as he settled back onto the bed. 

“I was thinking that I can’t wait for college to be over already. This shit is hard.” Cas replied with a sigh.

“I know babe, but we’ll be done in the blink of an eye, and then we can start making plans for our future. Like what do we even want to do?” 

Dean looked over at Cas, hoping he had some thoughts on their future. Cas turned onto his side to face him.

“I don’t know. Do we want to come back here? I guess it will depend on where we can get jobs. You want to teach, and I’m thinking now that I don’t really want to be a lawyer, but I think I’d like to teach law, or maybe history, but at a university. You want to teach high school, right?”

Dean nodded. “Or maybe college. I’m really good in English.”

“You could teach anything you wanted. I believe in you Dean.” Cas said, and leaned in to kiss the tip of his nose.

Dean smiled and darted forward to capture his lips in a soft kiss.

“I know you do, and that means everything to me.”

“Do you like Chicago?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, I do actually. It’s busy, and loud. Not much like home at all, but I like going down to the lake. Even now. It’s windy and cold, but it’s beautiful. I want to take you when you come visit. Are you still planning to come up for spring break? I’ve made a few friends and I want to introduce you to them.” Dean told him.

“Of course I am. I already set money aside for my plane ticket.” 

Cas stretched out on his back and Dean took the opportunity to snake a hand under his shirt.

“I missed holding you, kissing you.” Dean said as he placed soft kisses down Cas’ jaw. “I missed being inside you.” 

Cas shuddered hearing that. He had missed Dean just as much as Dean had missed him. He looked up, loving the smile on his boyfriend’s face. 

“I love you.” He said.

Dean’s smile grew bigger. “I love you too.”

Uninterrupted they spent the morning being lazy in bed, making love and cuddling, until hunger overcame them and they were forced to go downstairs and find something to eat. Over a breakfast of pancakes and bacon they talked.

“Do you like Cambridge?” Dean asked.

Cas shrugged. “It’s expensive and sort of stuffy. I miss home. I can’t wait to see Chicago.”

“You’ll love it. Aunt Rose is looking forward to your visit too. She hasn’t seen you since you were twelve. You’re now taller than her, she’s going to freak out.” Dean said with a laugh.

“I have a roommate that is going to be the death of me. He has this girlfriend that he brings back to the room more nights than not, and it’s very distracting. I’m very glad that I have sound dampening headphones and my iPod, otherwise I think I’d be ripping my eardrums out.” Cas said, rolling his eyes. “Charlie and I are considering getting an apartment together off campus next year.”

Dean paused in eating and raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? She’s a bit of a party animal. You may not get any more sleep than you are now.”

Cas smiled. “I told her, if we go that route she’s not to have too many parties. I like my sleep, you know that.”

Dean bumped shoulders with him. “Yes, I know better than anyone how much you like your sleep.”

As Cas finished off his last strip of bacon he turned in his seat so he could face Dean.

“We’re going to get a place together once we graduate, right?”

Dean nodded. “That’s the plan. We don’t even need anything too big. A one bedroom with a kitchen and living room would work until we can afford something bigger.”

Cas reached out to run his hand down Dean’s leg. 

“Good. I was afraid you had changed your mind on that.”

Dean reached over to take Cas’ chin gently in his hand. Man he had missed staring into those incredible blue eyes.

“I’m not changing my mind. I love you.”

Cas smiled. Sometimes he felt paranoid and needy, but Dean always reassured him, and he felt his love. They would survive this.

All too soon they were back at school, miserable and missing each other. Dean kept a calendar on his desk at his aunt’s house to remind him of how many days were left until Cas was coming to Chicago. When spring break finally arrived Dean picked Cas up at the airport and immediately took him to the lake. It was too cold to splash around in the water but they happily cuddled up on the rocks and looked out over the water. It just felt good to be together again. All too soon Cas had to return to Harvard, and for several more weeks they were miserable and mopey. Then summer was upon them. They returned home, and to one another once more.

The next year and a half went by faster than they had expected. They counted their school year by their time together, living for the summer when they could go home and be with one another again. Junior year things began to change. It started when Cas got a job as a TA. It meant working in the summer as the professor he worked for taught summer courses. Dean was devastated. He decided to get a part time job in Chicago and just stay there rather than go home for the entire summer and be even lonelier than he already was. He took a job on campus in the mailroom. It didn’t pay much, but he saved up what he made. It was the most miserable summer of his life and calls from Cas were becoming fewer and further apart. One evening when he did finally manage to reach him, Dean could hear loud music and laughter in the background.

“Hey babe, what’s going on?” He asked. 

He couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy knowing that Cas was off somewhere having fun without him.

“Oh, uh, I’m out with Charlie and some friends. We’re just unwinding. It’s been a long day. What have you been up to?” Cas asked.

“Not much. Got a job down in the mailroom on campus. Saving up for our apartment.” Dean told him.

“Oh? That’s cool. I’m saving some money too.” 

Dean couldn’t help but notice how distracted Cas seemed, and it bothered him every time he heard Cas pull the phone away from his ear to speak to someone. 

“Can I call you back? It’s really loud here.” Cas said.

“Yeah, sure. Call me tomorrow?” Dean asked.

“Sure. After I get off work.” Cas replied.

“Ok, I love you.” Dean told him, but the line had already gone dead.

Dean felt a jolt of fear. Cas had never, ever gotten off the phone without first telling him he loved him. The sour taste in his mouth he knew was caused by the stress he was putting on himself by worrying about what Cas was up to, and who he was with. He couldn’t sleep that night. It was eating at him that Cas had seemed so distant on the phone. The next day Cas didn’t call.

Calls became fewer as Cas picked up more work hours and took on a heavier course load. When Dean could reach him, Cas could never talk for long, and there were always people there around him. It never felt like the right time to talk anymore. One day he decided to stop calling, just to see how long it would take Cas to notice. It took a week before Cas finally called.

“Hey, what have you been up to?” Cas asked cheerily when Dean answered.

It was a Sunday morning and he had woken Dean from a nightmare. Dean was actually thankful for the phone call.

“Same ole, same ole. School and work. If I pick up a few more courses these next few semesters I can actually graduate early. I think I’m going to try and do that.” Dean said through a yawn.

“That’s good! Graduating early is good!” Cas said, and then they fell into an awkward silence.

“Cas?” Dean sat up in bed as he said his boyfriend’s name.

“Yeah?”

“Do you still love me?”

There was a small hesitation that Dean felt as much as he heard it.

“Of course I do.”

“I love you Cas, and I miss you. I miss you so much.” Dean felt pathetic saying it like that, but he did, he missed Cas more than anything in the world.

“I miss you too Dean. I’m coming back to Lawrence for Christmas break, are you?” Cas asked.

“Of course, I’m dying to see you.” Dean replied quickly.

Cas chuckled on the other end of the line.

“Yeah, I can’t wait to see you too.”

The rest of the conversation felt uncomfortable as they talked about classes and things they had been up to, and when they finally hung up Dean felt that little sliver of fear he’d been harboring for almost a year now becoming a wedge. A phone call from Charlie three weeks later didn’t help matters.

“Dean! I miss you!” She cried when he answered. 

He was delivering mail but thanks to a Bluetooth device he could still do his job as he talked.

“I miss you too Charlie. How’s life up in Mass?” He asked.

“It’s…good.” 

He immediately noticed the strain in her voice.

“Charlie? What’s going on?” 

“Nothing, really.” She spoke quickly and he knew she was lying.

“Don’t try to bull shit me Charlie. Is this about Cas?”

She didn’t’ answer right away. He heard a door close and realized that she was at home and was probably closing herself in her bedroom.

“You still love Cas, right?” She asked.

“I want to marry him someday, of course I love him.”

Charlie made a noise he couldn’t quite make out.

“Charlie, you better start talking before I buy a plane ticket and fly out there.” He warned.

“No, no, don’t do that. Or wait, maybe you should. Cas has been really strange lately. Really distant, hanging with a different crowd, and with this guy Richard. I know Richard has the hots for him. They haven’t done anything, Cas isn’t a cheater, but he also hasn’t told the guy about you. I think that’s really wrong. I just wanted you to know that. It’s not fair to you. He also doesn’t know that I’m calling you.” 

Dean had to stop and lean against the wall before his legs gave out. He didn’t want to hear this. He had remained completely faithful to Cas this entire time, turned down the advances of dozens of girls over the last three years, all because of how much he was in love with Cas. He could almost feel his heart breaking.

“Does he really still love me?” He asked, hating how weak and pathetic he sounded.

“I think he does. But I think he’s conflicted. He’s spreading his wings here and really coming into his own. He’s making friends and his grades are good. I just think maybe the distance thing is getting to be too hard for him.” Charlie replied.

She ‘thought’ Cas still loved him. His heart was definitely breaking. It was two weeks until Christmas break and he had to go home and see Cas.

“Did he really want to come home for Christmas?” He asked.

Another pause on Charlie’s end.

“He almost didn’t. Richard invited him back to Vermont to go skiing.”

He couldn’t help it, he could feel his throat tightening as the tears began to blur his vision.

“I don’t do that to him! I love him!” He cried.

“Oh honey, I know, and I act as his conscious, trust me. He says he doesn’t want to hurt you, and I believe him. But he really needs to wake up. I think you need to remind him of just how much he loves you. Maybe a spontaneous trip out this way would be a good idea. Spend time with him at Christmas, tell him you love him. Show him you love him. And then come surprise him. That’s really romantic, right?” 

She was trying to save his relationship with Cas and he appreciated that. She was a good friend and he felt awful that she was caught in the middle.

“Yeah, maybe.”

“I have to go Dean, but we’ll talk again soon, ok?” 

“Yeah Charlie, we’ll talk soon.” 

Dean disconnected the call and remained leaning against the wall for a long time as he tried to regain his composure. He couldn’t be delivering the mail if he was an emotional wreck. And since when did Dean Winchester cry? His pain became anger and the tears dried up. He delivered the rest of the afternoon’s mail and then went back to the mailroom to complete the rest of his day’s work. He didn’t call Cas again before he went home for Christmas break.

The entire flight home had his stomach in a knot. He already didn’t fly well but knowing that he would, at some point be seeing Cas had him close to throwing up. How could the man he loved so much be so callous when it came to his feelings? If he didn’t love him anymore and didn’t want to be with him anymore, why didn’t he just break up with him? Dean considered being the one to do the breaking up. It would be decidedly less painful, but he had sworn never to hurt Cas, and he took that seriously. It was unfortunate that Cas didn’t feel the same way. 

He arrived the day before Cas did and his dad and Sam came to get him at the airport. Both noticed an immediate change in his demeanor. John didn’t ask about it, but Sam did. He tried to get his brother to back off about it, but Sam was like a hound with a scent, he wouldn’t drop it. When they got back to the house his brother went so far as to follow him right up and into his room. Sam closed the door behind them and stood with his arms folded over his chest.

“You better start talking Dean. I know something is really wrong.” 

“I’m fine Sammy, drop it.” He growled as he unpacked the meager bag of clothes he had packed to bring home.

“Don’t lie to me! Is there something going on with you and Cas?” 

Dean flinched at the sound of his boyfriend’s name and Sam noticed.

“Oh shit, you guys didn’t break up, did you?” 

Sam moved closer, the look of concern that both soothed and irked Dean at the same time was now on his little brother’s face.

“No, we did not, but for all intent and purpose we may as well have.” Dean replied bitterly.

Sam grabbed Dean by the arm and forced him to sit down on the bed. He sat down next to him.

“Start talking. I’m here to listen.”

Dean unloaded everything that had been happening, telling him about the decrease in calls, the now nonexistent Skype calls, and about Richard. Sam was genuinely surprised to learn about that, but Dean could also see something else on his brother’s face; anger. Sam was angry for him, and Dean hadn’t wanted that. Cas was his friend too. When he had finally gotten it all off of his chest he laid back on the bed feeling at least a little better. He hadn’t had a good talk with his brother like this in ages, and while he hated talking about his feelings, Sam listened and was objective.

“So Charlie says I need to remind him of how much he loves me, but I’m really fucking pissed right now. I just want to punch him, and punch Richard too.” Dean told him.

“I get it, I do, but he could have gone home for Christmas with Richard, but he didn’t. He’s coming home to you. And he hasn’t done anything with this guy yet, which means he does still love you. So put your anger aside if you want to keep him and do what Charlie suggested. I know he loves you. He and I talk somewhat regularly, and your name still slips from his lips more often than not.” Sam said.

Dean looked over at his brother. 

“Yeah?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah. We were just talking last week. He was wondering what to get you for Christmas.”

Dean sat up again. 

“I got him a ring.” 

Sam’s eyes went wide. 

“You got him a what?!”

Dean got up and went to his bag, fishing out the ring he had bought over the summer, before Cas had announced he wasn’t coming home. He returned to the bed and handed the little box to his brother.

“I don’t think he’d say yes now though. So I need to work some stuff out.”

Sam opened the box and looked down at the little silver band nestled inside. He never thought he’d ever see the day where his brother would want to willingly settle down. It was testament to just how deeply Dean loved Cas. He was humbled by it.

“Wow man. This is incredible. But yeah, first I think you should work on your relationship, strengthen it again and then propose.” 

Sam handed the ring back and Dean tucked it into his bedside table.

“Yeah, you’re right. For now though, I’m really tired. Tell mom I’m going to skip dinner. I just really want to sleep.”

Sam nodded as he stood up. He understood how his brother was feeling. In the meantime he was going to call Cas’ brother Gabe and see what he knew.

Dean woke early the next morning. He wasn’t sure exactly what it was that had awoken him, but he rolled onto his back and lay there staring at the ceiling as he tried to think about what he would say to Cas when he got home. He found himself wondering if Cas would even make the effort to come and see him before tomorrow. Gabe was picking him up at the airport and had asked if Dean wanted to come along. Dean had declined. He’d already be on his way to go and pick Cas up, his flight was arriving at 9. It was nine now. A few more hours and Cas would be back. Dean forced himself to get up and shower, and then made his way down to the kitchen where his mother was busily making breakfast. His stomach grumbled at the smell of pancakes on the griddle. She looked up with concern etched across her face when she saw him.

“Honey, are you ok?”

He nodded as he sat down at the counter. 

“I’m fine. Please don’t press me for details mom.” He pleaded.

She nodded and slid a plate of pancakes over to him. His appetite was still very poor and he was barely able to eat more than one. Sam joined him, as did John, both looking at him with concern. Unable to take their stares or whispers he returned to his bedroom. He was still there three hours later, playing music as he surfed the web when his bedroom door flew open and a very pink cheeked Cas came rushing in.

“Why didn’t you come get me at the airport?” He demanded.

“Your brother was doing it.” Dean replied lamely.

“But I wanted you to come get me!” 

Cas was already shrugging out of his coat and rushing across the room, practically throwing himself into Dean’s arms. He straddled him on the computer chair in which he sat and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck.

“God baby, I missed you so much.” He moaned in Dean’s ear.

His mouth was on Dean’s an instant later and the worry Dean had been feeling momentarily disappeared as he wrapped Cas in his arms and kissed him back with everything he had.

“Did you really? You hardly ever answer your phone anymore, and we never Skype. It’s driving me mad not being able to talk to you every day.” Dean told him when they finally pulled apart.

Cas looked at him and something flashed in his eyes that for a moment looked like guilt.

“I know, and I’m sorry. School and work are keeping me so busy, but we only have a year and a half to go and we’re done!”

“A year for me, I’m graduating early, remember? I was thinking of coming up to Cambridge when I graduate.” 

Dean said it to see how Cas was going to react. If he panicked, Dean would know he was cheating. But Cas’ face lit up.

“Really? Oh Dean! I can’t wait!”

Cas kissed him again and Dean felt the last of his worry ebbing away. He loved this man more than anything in the world, and he always would.

Christmas break was like old times. They were inseparable and even Sam had stopped giving Cas dirty looks. When they each returned to their respective schools Dean had a renewed hope for their relationship, and plans to show Cas just how in love with him he truly was.

They were back to talking daily for a while again, and they were even doing Skype calls again. It brought Dean great peace of mind to see those beautiful blue eyes looking back at him, and to hear the voice he loved more than anything practically purring in his ear. He made plans to surprise Cas for Valentine’s Day. He purchased a plane ticket and took time off work after talking to his professors to make sure he could do it without it affecting his grades. A simple explanation that he was flying halfway across the country to propose to his boyfriend was enough to gain their consent, and the morning of the fourteenth he got on the plane. The only person that knew he was coming was Charlie, and she was picking him up at the airport. When he arrived they hugged and then they were rushing to her car.

“I’m not parked legally so we have to hurry.” She explained.

Instead of heading straight back to the apartment that he had not yet gotten to even step foot inside of they stopped at a florist so he could buy flowers and then at the restaurant where he had called ahead to set up a reservation to make sure it was still set in place, and to scope the place out. Charlie was excited and babbling the rest of the ride back to the apartment. 

“You’re going to hang out with me for a few hours. Cas has class until three, and then he works until six. He’ll be home after that.” She explained as she made lunch for the two of them.

“Sounds good.” He said as he joined her at the kitchen table.

“Are you nervous?” She asked.

“I’m more nervous than I think I’ve ever been in my life, but I know this is right. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.” He replied.

Charlie was smiling but he could see tears in her eyes.

“I’m so happy for you Dean. I know you two are meant to be together.”

Lunch passed by quickly as they discussed school, work, and Charlie’s newest girlfriend. Said girlfriend even stopped by with flowers and they disappeared into Charlie’s room. Dean didn’t mind. He needed time alone with his thoughts as he was incredibly nervous. He was still sitting on the couch watching the time on his phone as six o’clock came. The apartment was within walking distance of the school and Charlie had said it wouldn’t take long for Cas to get home, but by seven thirty he still had not walked through the door. Charlie emerged from her bedroom, a worried look on her face.

“What?” He asked her.

“Um, Cas just called, he’s on his way now.” She mumbled, but she wasn’t making eye contact.

Dean felt his stomach clench. He tried as hard as he could to ignore the voice at the back of his head that was screaming at him. He was still sitting there when they heard the keys in the front door. Right away Dean noticed there was more than one voice. Cas had brought someone home.

“Let me just see if Charlie’s still here, so I know if we have the place to ourselves.”

The tone of Cas’ voice was something he only used with Dean when he was trying to seduce Dean. Dean felt Charlie’s hand land on his shoulder and squeeze. The door opened and Cas came through it backwards, his eyes locked on the man he was leading in by the hand. Right away the man noticed Dean. Cas turned and froze.

“Dean!” 

He wasn’t sure how he did it, but Dean managed to get to his feet. The flowers he had brought falling to the floor at his feet.

“Is this Richard?” He managed to ask. 

The look of guilt on Cas’ face now was unmistakable. 

“Dean, please, I can explain.” He had let go of the other man and was walking toward him. 

Dean practically leapt backwards to get away from him.

“There’s nothing to explain Cas. It’s clearly a mistake coming here. I don’t know what I was thinking.” 

He rounded the back of the couch, keeping it between him and Cas.

“Who is this Cas?” The other man was demanding.

Dean stopped in front of the guy, eyeing him. He was shorter than Cas with dark hair and a neatly trimmed beard. His brown eyes were looking up at Dean with a mixture of shock and hurt. Dean knew exactly how he felt. 

“I was his boyfriend for the last three and a half years.” Dean said bitterly.

“Dean, no, please!” 

Cas was hurrying after him but Dean slammed the apartment door behind him and ran. He bolted from the building and down the street, not stopping until his legs were too tired to keep him moving. His phone kept ringing but he stopped at a river to chuck it in. Briefly he considered jumping in himself but he doubted he would die, so he decided to walk, letting the tears flow as he moved along, heading in no particular direction. Somehow he found himself back at the airport exchanging his ticket so he could go home that day. He purchased a disposable phone and called Charlie to ask her if she could just bring the bag he had left behind to Kansas the next time she went. She promised she would but when she tried to talk about what had just happened he disconnected the call and deactivated the phone. He needed to be alone.

Back in Chicago Dean threw himself into his schoolwork. It caused him incredible pain to have to reveal to his professors what had transpired in Cambridge, and it was even more painful to see how they looked at him for the rest of the school year. When summer came he decided to go spend it in California with Sam who was taking summer courses to graduate early rather than to go home and risk seeing Cas. Cas contacted him daily on every social media outlet there was, and he tried to Skype him, but eventually Dean deactivated all of his accounts and shut down the email associated with his Skype. His heart was broken and he was sure there was no repairing it.

Summer turned to fall and school resumed. Dean had six months left. He had decided that he was not going to stay in Chicago to teach. He had already moved from his mailroom job to that of a teacher’s aide to log in the hours necessary to get his teaching degree. When Christmas rolled around his family decided to come and visit him. They understood his reluctance to come home. With the holidays behind him and graduation eminent, Dean began applying for positions all across the country. He knew he didn’t want to go back to Lawrence, and he didn’t want to stay in Chicago. Eventually he found a position in a high school in Lafayette Indiana where he could teach Advanced Placement English and Creative Writing. The following fall he started his position. He still had not dated anyone. He felt like damaged goods and most nights he still cried himself to sleep. He threw himself into his work and tried his hardest to forget about Cas. It was a miserable failure of course, Cas was in his every thought, every day.

Dean had made friends since moving to Indiana, finding comfort in occasionally going out for a beer with colleagues who later became good friends. He had grown close with another teacher Sarah, though he wasn’t romantically interested in her. She was a shoulder to cry on, and she understood his pain in a way no one else had. They spent a lot of time together after school and on weekends, and she encouraged him to get back out there and start dating again. With more reluctance than he cared to admit to, he did just that.

It was a Tuesday in March when he met Lisa. She was a friend of Sarah’s that he was introduced to at a party. She was incredibly sweet and he was immediately attracted to her. She understood that he was still recovering from a failed relationship. He was grateful for her patience and understanding. She understood that he wanted to take things slow. His heart was starting to heal and he was just beginning to find happiness again when his life got turned upside down again.

Dean was in the kitchen making breakfast for them when Lisa came in wearing nothing but one of his tee shirts. She snuck up on him as he making the French toast he had promised her, wrapping her arms around him and reaching up to kiss the back of his neck. He turned, smiling, to pull her into his arms and kiss her.

“Set the table babe? I’m almost done.” He told her. 

“Sure.” 

She gave him one last kiss before taking the plates from the dish rack and putting them on the table. They had just sat down to eat when the doorbell rang. It was his apartment and she was sorely underdressed so he motioned for her to keep eating while he got up to answer it. He made his way to the door just as the bell started ringing again. When he pulled the door open he felt his stomach drop.

“Dean, please don’t close the door in my face!” Cas immediately said.

“I don’t even know what you’re doing here but you need to leave. Now.”

Dean tried to close the door but Cas wedged himself in the doorway, stopping him.

“Dean please! I just want to talk! I’m so, so sorry! I made a huge mistake, and we need to talk!” Cas was pleading.

“There’s nothing to talk about Cas. I was faithful to you for three and a half years. I went out of my way to prove to you that I wouldn’t be the cheat that you were so sure I would be, and then you turned out to be the cheater. I have nothing to say to you. I’ve moved on, and you should too.”

Again he tried to close the door but Cas pushed back against it.

“No, that’s not good enough! I can’t move on! I love you Dean, I always have! I made a stupid mistake. I never slept with him! I don’t even know what the hell I was thinking, but what I do know is that my life is not the same without you, and I miss you so much! I love you Dean!”

Cas was crying and Dean was trying his hardest not to let it affect him.

“Dean? Who is that?”

He froze, and Cas did too. Lisa was standing a few feet behind him, her arms crossed, a confused look on her face. He had told her that he’d gotten out of a bad relationship, but he hadn’t told her that it was with another guy. He looked at Cas and realized that he was seeing the same expression he’d seen a hundred times before, when he had dated other girls. His heart was being torn to shreds in that moment. Dean stopped fighting against the door and let it fall open. Cas stumbled the few steps it took to get inside, his eyes locked on Lisa. He was taking in the lack of clothing she was wearing, knowing full well why she was dressed like that.

“Remember I told you I got out of a bad relationship?” Dean asked her.

Lisa’s eyes narrowed as she realized where this was going. “Yes I do.”

Dean made a sweeping motion in Cas’ direction.

“Meet Mr. Bad Relationship.” He said.

“You were in a relationship with a man? Why didn’t you tell me that?” 

The shock and disbelief on her face was incredible, and as he took a step towards her she backed up.

“Lisa, please, let me explain.” He pleaded.

“No, I think I’m going to go home. I can’t…I’m not dealing with this right now. I need to go change.” 

She rushed from the room and into his bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Dean whipped around to glare at Cas.

“Great, you probably just ruined the best thing to happen to me in the last year!” He snapped.

Cas flinched and pressed himself back against the wall. Dean’s anger was intense but seeing Cas like that made it melt away quickly. He still loved him regardless, and hurting Cas still was something he didn’t want to do. Lisa emerged from the bedroom in her jeans and her own tee shirt, carrying her shoes and purse in hand.

“I’ll call you.” 

She didn’t even stop to kiss him like she usually would, she simply glanced over at Cas with a pained expression and shot out the door. Dean closed it behind her.

For a long time neither man said anything. Cas finally stood away from the wall and looked up at him.

“I know apologizing is redundant at this point. I was a hypocritical ass, and I deserve you bolting out of there like you did. But I loved you Dean, I still do, and I always will.”

“It’s too late Cas. You chose two years ago to start pulling away. How long were you even dating that Richard guy? And you didn’t have the decency to at least call me and tell me you wanted to break up?” 

Dean’s words were full of venom and Cas winced at the sound of his voice.

“I wasn’t dating Richard. He was just a friend.”

“And you bring your friend home on Valentine’s Day to what you hope is an empty apartment? Cas, I heard the tone in your voice! That was the tone you used when you would try to seduce me. I’m not stupid! I know what you intended to do that night!”

Dean was screaming but he couldn’t help it. His blood was pumping so fast that all he could hear was the sound of it -rushing in his ears. He started pacing, trying to calm himself down.

“I was a fucking idiot Dean! I didn’t really know what I had until it was gone, and I never should have let it reach that point because I was so in love with you! I still am!” 

Cas was still crying. Sobbing actually, and Dean was determined not to let it affect him. He stopped pacing and got right in Cas’ face, forcing him to cringe back against the wall again.

“Do you even know why I came all the way to Cambridge to see you on Valentine’s Day Cas? Did Charlie ever tell you?”

Cas shook his head. Of course Charlie wouldn’t say anything. She was a loyal friend and though she would most likely want to tell Cas just to make him feel worse, she knew that Dean wouldn’t want that.

“I came to propose you son of a bitch! To prove to you that you were the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with! I had dinner reservations set but you didn’t come home in time! And when you did…” 

He backed up, closing his eyes, trying not to relive that moment when he had seen Cas walking in with that man. 

“I can’t Cas. You need to leave. I was finally starting to get over you. I can’t do this again.”

He started to open the door but Cas slammed it shut again.

“You came to propose?” 

Cas’ voice broke and the pain in his eyes was more than Dean could bear.

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Dean muttered.

“But it does! Dean, I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you!”

Before Dean could react Cas’ arms were wrapped around him, squeezing him tight. He resisted the urge to hug him back and instead stood stiffly, waiting for Cas to let go, but he didn’t. Instead the already tight grip grew tighter until Dean could hardly breathe. He finally lifted his arms to hug him back. Cas relaxed, melting against him, and Dean instinctively wrapped his arms around him.

“Dean, I’m so sorry. I can’t function without you. You’re in my every thought, my every dream, and I can’t go back to Kansas without seeing you everywhere. I had lunch last month with Sam, but it hurt too much. I miss you so much.”

Cas was crying still, his tears dampening Dean’s tee shirt, and Dean wanted to tell him it was ok, that he forgave him, but he was still too angry. Cas had cheated, and that wasn’t something he was sure he could forgive.

“Please tell me you still love me.” Cas pleaded.

Dean wanted to say no, he didn’t. He loved Lisa now, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t really in love with her. He was still in love with Cas and he knew he always would be.

“Dean, please, I love you so much!” Cas hugged him tighter, burying his face in Dean’s shoulder.

“I can’t Cas…you broke my heart. No, you shattered it into a million pieces. I can’t let you hurt me like that again.” 

He pulled Cas’ arms off of him and crossed the room. He needed for there to be some distance between them. Cas however disagreed. He had never had a good grasp on personal boundaries anyway. He was back at Dean’s side, reaching out to grab his hand, lacing their fingers together. No one else’s hand had ever felt as right in his as Cas’ did.

“I will never hurt you again Dean, that’s my solemn promise.” 

Cas leaned in, kissing him softly, and as much as he wanted to pull away, he didn’t. He had missed this, missed kissing the man he still loved.

“You’re still the only person I’ve ever been with. You’re the only person I’ll ever be with.” 

Cas was mere inches from his face as he said those words. Dean frowned.

“What?”

“I’m telling you Dean, I never slept with Richard, and I’ve not slept with anyone since you. My heart has always belonged to you, and it always will. If you tell me to leave, I will, but I’ll never be with anyone again. The only person I ever truly wanted was you.”

Cas’ words caused something to break inside Dean, and he could no longer hold his tears back. Cas pulled him into his arms and Dean found himself clinging to him as though he were a drowning man and Cas was his lifeline.

“Shhh.” Cas whispered softly as he led Dean to the couch and they sat down.

“Cas, I don’t know. I just don’t know what I want right now.”

That was the truth. He was confused and hurt, and he really wished his brother or mother were here to give him the guidance he so badly needed right now. Cas was stroking his jaw softly, his own eyes still filled with tears. 

“Were you and the girl that just left…were you serious?” Cas suddenly asked.

How was he supposed to answer that? He aired on the side of truth. Cas would know if he was lying.

“Yes, we are. Were. I don’t even know anymore.”

Cas nodded, his face contorted in pain. “I understand. Are you…in love with her?”

Dean didn’t need to hesitate when answering that question.

“No. I love her, but I’m not in love with her.”

Again Cas nodded. “How long have you two been seeing one another?”

“Three months. She’s the only person I’ve dated since you.”

“I want you to be happy Dean. As much as I want you to forgive my sorry ass and take me back, I don’t want to come between you and her.”

Dean laughed bitterly.

“I think it’s too late for that seeing as how you just showed up out of the blue, and I didn’t tell her I’d been with a man before her.”

Cas’ eyes went wide. “Why not?”

“Because Cas, it doesn’t really go over well in conversation when I mention it. The few women I did mention it too assumed I was gay and that I was just pretending to be straight. They didn’t get it. So with Lisa…I just didn’t give her details. I just fucking wanted to be happy again, like I was with you!”

There were so many emotions raging through Dean at that moment that he was having a terrible time trying to sort through them. Cas’ mouth on his for a second time in as many minutes was not helping. He pulled back and put a hand on Cas’ chest to stop him from doing it again.

“Cas, I can’t do long distance. We’ve already proven that won’t work. And I refuse to get my heart trampled on again.”

Cas took the hand Dean had placed against his chest and lifted it so he could kiss the palm.

“Dean, I took a job at Purdue.”

“You what?”

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Sam had said that Cas had taken a job at a community college back in Amherst teaching pre-law and American history.

“I thought you had a job on the East coast?” He asked.

“I did, but I wasn’t happy there without you. I need you Dean. I tried for over a year to reach you. I even asked Sam to have you call me. I stopped by your parents’ house every time I was in town too, but they’re clearly mad at me for hurting you. I don’t think they’ll ever forgive me, and I don’t blame them. I’ll never forgive myself for what I did.”

Cas shuddered and closed his eyes before another onslaught of tears overwhelmed him.

“I got rid of everything that reminded me of you. I couldn’t handle the pain.” Dean admitted.

“That’s what Sam said. I begged him to tell me where you were, but he wouldn’t budge. I finally had to nag at Charlie. You know, she moved out shortly after you left. Said she couldn’t live with me knowing what I’d done to hurt you. She said she didn’t like the person I’d become. But you know what? I didn’t like the person I’d become either. It took a long time to repair my relationship with her. She’s terribly unforgiving.” Cas said.

“So you took a job at Purdue not knowing whether I would ever even speak to you again?” 

Dean couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“I told you, I couldn’t live without you in my life, and even if I couldn’t have you back, just knowing that you were close, it gave me a kind of peace. I started last month. I wanted to get situated with work before I came over here. I wanted you to know that I was serious, and that I have never, ever stopped loving you. Dean, I told you, since I was twelve years old I’ve been in love with you. Twelve years now I’ve loved you, and I know that no matter what, I always will.”

This time he didn’t let Dean push him away when he tried to kiss him, and Dean found that this time, he didn’t want to push him away. As Cas’ lips met his he relaxed, opening his mouth and letting Cas lean into him, kissing him with more passion than he’d experienced in a very long time. His kisses with Lisa were never like this. She wasn’t Cas. Cas pressed closer, his hand finding its way to Dean’s side, holding him but careful to stay above his shirt. Somehow he knew not to press Dean for anything more than this.

“Cas, why did you do it? You knew I was head over heels in love with you, didn’t you?”

Cas pulled back just enough to look him in the eye.

“I was afraid. I was afraid of all the pretty girls you must have been meeting out in Chicago, and my mind went to all sorts of dark places. I pulled away because I was so afraid of getting hurt. I had so many insecurities it was ridiculous. You’d been such a womanizer for so long that I still so scared that you would one day wake up and realize I was nothing more than a mistake, and that you didn’t really love me. I thought that if I pulled away first it wouldn’t hurt as much when you finally came to that realization and dumped me.”

“I made it perfectly clear to every girl I ever met that I had a boyfriend that I was in love with. I never unintentionally led anyone on. I wouldn’t have done that to you. I made a promise to you Cas, but you were determined not to let me keep it.”

Dean was staring hard at him. Cas could see the pain and misery in his eyes, but he saw something else too.

“Do you still love me Dean?” Cas asked.

Dean sighed deeply before bringing a hand up to caress his cheek.

“God help me, I never stopped loving you.”

Cas let out a sound of relief that was part joy and part crying. He kissed Dean again, this time deeper, sitting up so that he could straddle him.

“Cas, I’m not ready for this.” Dean said, pulling back.

“I’m not asking for anything other than for you to just hold me. I missed you so much.”

Cas leaned down, resting his head against Dean’s shoulder, and Dean reached up to wrap his arms around him. Lord help him, he loved this man still more than anything in the world.

“Where are you staying?” Dean asked.

“I got a studio apartment in this renovated house about six blocks from here. Shitty little place, but it suits my needs.” Cas replied.

“Did you eat this morning?”

Dean knew that Cas had a tendency of skipping breakfast. Cas shook his head, just as Dean had expected he would.

“Come on, I’ll make you something to eat. I didn’t exactly get to finish my breakfast and I’m sure it’s cold by now.”

He patted Cas’ hip so he’d get up and once he did, Dean stood up. Cas followed him to the kitchen.

“What have you been up to Dean?” He asked as he watched Dean scrape Lisa’s food into the garbage and put the plate in the sink.

“Work mostly. Now that school is out though I took on a night job as an ESL teacher at the school, for extra income.” Dean replied.

“ESL, really?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, it’s money, and it beat sitting around with nothing to do.”

Dean set about making a fresh batch of French toast. This was not how he had expected his morning to go, and while his emotions were still in turmoil, he realized that he was happier than he had been in ages. He’d been certain that Cas would have moved on, found someone new and started over, and even considering that had brought fresh waves of pain, so he had tried not to think about Cas at all. Until now. He set a plate of food in front of Cas before making more for himself. He found Cas waiting to eat until Dean was seated at the table with him.

“So, can we start over?” Cas asked, his voice tinged with worry, but also with hope.

Dean eyed him for a long time, debating. He loved Cas, but he was terrified of his heart getting crushed again by this man. After what felt like an eternity of quiet reflection, he finally decided that Cas was worth it, worth that risk, and worth giving a second chance.

“I’ll give you a second chance, but you have a lot of apologizing still to do. I haven’t forgiven you yet.”

Cas’ face lit up and Dean had forgotten what a beautiful thing it was to see the man so happy.

“I know, and I promise I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I love you Dean, so very much.”

Cas leaned across the table to kiss him, making Dean smile.

“The rest of your life, huh?”

Cas nodded. “Absolutely. The rest of my life.”

“Well, you can start by taking me out to dinner. And I’m not having sex on the first date either.”

Dean cocked an eyebrow making Cas laugh.

“I wouldn’t dare think of taking your virtue on the first date. But maybe on the second.” 

There was gentle teasing, but so much affection in Cas’ voice, and Dean could feel as his heart began to repair itself. Forgiving Cas wasn’t something that would happen overnight, but in time he thought maybe he could get over it. He just loved that blue eyed man too much not to let him back in. He smiled at Cas’ joke.

“Don’t get your hopes too high.” He replied with a smile.

“As long as I have you in my life, I’m happy. We could end up never sleeping together again, but just knowing you’re in my life makes me incredibly happy Dean.”

The sincerity in his voice gave Dean chills. 

“I never said never, but…you really did hurt me, and bad too. It’s going to take time to heal from that, to be able to fully trust you again. You understand that, right?” He asked.

Cas nodded. “I know, and like I said, I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that you are the only person I have ever loved and ever will love, and that I am completely, one hundred percent devoted to you.”

Dean thought that was a good start.

It turned out that Cas really had his work cut out for him. He had left Dean a broken and emotional wreck that now had trust issues, and he blamed himself for it. Dean also refrained from anything more than kissing, but rather than push him, Cas reminded himself to remain patient. After all, he was the cause of all this. 

For a long time he hated himself for what he had done. He loathed himself for knowing that he had brought Richard back that night with the intention of sleeping with him, and the guilt ate at him for never having told him about Dean. He’d been so convinced that Dean must be up in Chicago realizing that he was really completely straight and that Cas was just another in a long line of flings, and that Richard really wanted him because Richard was gay too. It was the stupidest lie he had ever told himself, and deep down he had known the reason Dean had flown out to see him, though he had remained in denial for months afterward. He had lost nearly all of the people he loved most in the world because of his own insecurities and self-doubt. Sam didn’t talk to him for almost a year, and Charlie moved out. The Winchesters were cold when he would stop by to inquire after Dean, and after a while he knew it was pointless to even keep asking them. They may have loved him like a son once, but he had ruined that. 

Eventually he did get Sam to talk to him again. They’d been too good of friends to remain enemies, and he knew Sam genuinely cared about him. Plus he knew Sam wanted to hear his side of the story. Ever the future lawyer, he remained objective and advised Cas that he needed to talk to Dean and try to repair things if he still loved him even half as much as he claimed too. Yet, Sam would not willingly give up where his brother was living. Instead he directed him to Charlie. Neutral as he may seem, Sam’s loyalties were with his brother who, in this case, was the spurned lover. Cas held no ill will against him for it. And so he began working on his relationship with Charlie, slowly repairing it, showing her that he had changed and was no longer the ass hat that she had come to call him. She made him grovel hard, but it was worth it to have his other best friend back in his life again. He loved her like a sister and his life was empty without her in it. Three months earlier she had finally admitted that Dean had taken a job at a high school in Lafayette Indiana. Not where Cas had expected Dean to end up at all. He had searched Chicago schools and Kansas schools thinking Dean would have chosen a job in one of those two places, but Charlie revealed that Dean had applied all over the country, basically anywhere that wasn’t Kansas or Chicago. He was really going out of his way to avoid Cas, and that hurt him even worse.

The backlash that had occurred after walking into the apartment and finding Dean waiting for him in the living room was the worst thing Cas had ever experienced, but as Richard and Charlie both tore into him he felt he deserved every cruel and vicious word they threw at him. He hadn’t been thinking, and he certainly hadn’t considered the idea that Richard had been falling in love with him, but he was, and Cas broke two hearts that day. He hadn’t loved Richard, merely the idea of him, and while he had never admitted it to Charlie or anyone else, he had had several intimate moments with Richard over the last few months that left him feeling incredibly guilty afterwards. Richard had pushed for sex but Cas had denied him every time. He still wanted Dean. He always had, and he was an emotional wreck by the time Christmas came that year. Richard had invited him home to Vermont, to go skiing, and to meet his family. Cas had been tempted. He hadn’t seen Dean since spring break and he was sure Dean would be ready to break up with him, but he had to see him, he had to know for sure, so he went home to Kansas. He went home to Dean.

It had hurt when Gabe picked him up at the airport instead of Dean, and the entire ride back he was being eaten alive with worry. He had asked his brother to just drop him at Dean’s. He needed to see him, needed to see the love in Dean’s eyes. When he barged into the bedroom his heart swelled at the sight of Dean sitting there, and he threw himself at him. He had noticed fear and worry in his boyfriend’s eyes, though he didn’t know the real cause of it. He was living in a cocoon of denial that took him close to a year to get out of. But there was love in those eyes, so much of it that Cas knew Dean was still in love with him, though still the doubts nagged at him. 

When he returned to Harvard he had decided to cut Richard off completely and refocus on Dean. They only had a year until Dean graduated and came to live in Cambridge, and he was eager for the year to hurry up and pass, but soon the doubts began to nag and eat at him again, and every time Dean mentioned some girl he knew, or he happened to hear one in the background on a phone call or Skype call he let his imagination go to a dark and terrible place. 

In mid-January Richard called, wanting to meet for coffee and talk. He made the mistake of agreeing to meet with him, and before he knew it they were picking up right where they had left off, and the guilt was eating at him worse than ever. As Valentine’s Day approached Cas felt more horrible than usual, and Richard was going out of his way to try and make him happy. He showed up at his work with a romantic dinner and flowers, and they made out on his desk. Though Richard pushed again for sex, Cas denied him, and he knew it was frustrating the man to no end. He decided that if he was going to do it at all, that particular night was perfect. It was romantic and he was fully convinced that since Dean hadn’t called him all day that he must be out romancing some beautiful girl, and was probably in the heated throws of passion right at that moment. Never in a million years would he have expected to find Dean sitting in his living room waiting for him to come home. It was his worst nightmare come true, Dean finding out about Richard, and Richard finding out about Dean. In that exact moment he realized he was a monster, and that he deserved to lose everything and everyone he cared about. And oh the way they had screamed at him after Dean had stormed out! He had tried to go after him but Richard caught his arm, pulling him back and spinning him around to face him.

“You had another boyfriend this entire time Cas? What the fuck?!” Richard had shouted.

“Yes he did, and Dean loves him more than anything in the world, but apparently that means nothing to Cas if he thinks he can go sleeping around!” Charlie screamed.

 

Cas didn’t even try to deny her accusations. He was an awful, horrible human being.

“It’s like I don’t even know you Cas! You know what? I’m leaving, don’t ever, ever call me again! I want nothing to do with you!” 

And then Richard had stormed out. Cas hadn’t wanted to go after him. He didn’t love him. He did however want to go after Dean, so he ran outside, searching every direction in hopes of figuring out which way he had gone, but there was no way of knowing. He had ran off on foot. Reluctantly he had returned to the apartment where Charlie was still waiting for him in all her fury.

“You fought so hard to get him and this is how you treat him? You’re the biggest idiot I know!” She yelled the moment he came back through the door.

“I know, alright? I fucked up! Oh my God, I just lost everything!” 

As the realization of just what he had lost hit him, his chest tightened as the worst panic attack of his life came over him and he found himself collapsed on the floor unable to breathe. Charlie merely glared down at him.

“You deserve it for what you’ve done. I didn’t think you’d sink this low Cas. You really disgust me.” 

The tone of her voice reflected her disgust, and he dissolved into a hot mess of tears as she stalked off to her bedroom. When the attack finally passed he pulled out his phone and called Dean. He called him over and over, leaving voicemail after voicemail, until his inbox was so full he couldn’t leave anymore. He had moved from the floor to the couch, still in the full blown grip of panic, trying to reach Dean and it was three hours later when Charlie finally emerged from her bedroom. She saw her girlfriend Roxie out and then turned to glare at him again.

“Dean finally called me. He went back to Chicago. I don’t think he’s ever going to speak to you again. You really screwed this up Cas. He was the best thing to ever happen to you, and you totally and completely screwed it up. You need help, and I’m not willing to give it. I’m moving in with Roxie. I can’t deal with this.”

She motioned toward his overall person.

“This guy you’ve become. You’re selfish and thoughtless. Did you really think Dean wouldn’t find out? That he wouldn’t be completely heartbroken? I just…” 

She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose for a moment before opening them again. Cas wasn’t sure what was worse, her glaring or the look of sorrow that now filled her eyes.

‘I can’t be a part of this anymore. I tried to talk you out of what you were doing with Richard. I told you Dean wouldn’t cheat on you. He was in it for the long haul, and he thought you were too. I guess we were both wrong. I’ll be out of here by Saturday.”

She went to her room, leaving him alone again, and he curled up on the couch and cried himself to sleep.

Now here he was, six years later, standing in a church, waiting to marry the only man he had ever loved. It had been a long road to get here, and Dean had many, many stipulations before he would even consider letting Cas back in. One of the big ones was that he demanded Cas see a therapist. He wanted Cas to deal with his issues head on. Unbeknownst to him, Dean had been seeing a therapist of his own for almost a year in his attempt to cope with his own trust issues, and she turned out to be incredibly helpful. Slowly they both began to heal. It was six months before Dean would let Cas do more than kiss him, and another two months before he would let him back in his bed. It was another two years before Dean felt comfortable with the idea of them finally living together and they invested in a house together near the university campus. The subject of marriage did not come up though, not even in casual conversation, and Cas knew that was his own fault. It had taken twice as long to regain the trust and love of John and Mary Winchester, but he finally did, and he kept his promise to never hurt Dean again. 

It was a crisp fall day, five years after Dean had let Cas back into his life and they had headed north to Hobart to visit an apple orchard there. Cas had picked up the hobby of canning and he was desperate for fresh apples to make apple butter. Dean had agreed to make the drive and they had headed up to go apple picking. 

Cas ended up picking way more apples than he needed just for making apple butter. He had decided that with the extra apples he would make a bunch of pies, and freeze the extras so Dean would have them for several months to come. They were making their way back up to the front with their fruit laden bags when Dean stopped him.

“Cas, I need to ask you something.”

Cas had set down the bags and turned to look at him.

“You need to ask right now? Can’t we pay for these first and get them out to the car?”

“No, I need to ask you right here, right now.”

Cas thought he was going to faint as Dean got down on one knee and pulled a small box out of his pocket.

“Cas, I know we’ve been to hell and back, and it took me a long time to heal after the mess back in Cambridge, but if there is one thing I have always been sure of, it’s that I love you, totally and completely, and I know I want you spend the rest of my life with you. I love you more than anything in the world, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to reach this point again, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I know that more than anything, I want to marry you. So, will you marry me Cas?”

Cas wasn’t sure when exactly his legs had given out, dropping him to the ground in front of Dean but he was nodding through his tears as he threw his arms around Dean’s neck.

“Yes! Yes of course I’ll marry you!”

The sound of applause from the families around them spending their afternoon at the orchard too was warming, and as Dean slipped the ring onto Cas’ finger the applause turned into full blown cheers. Dean had to help him to his feet as his legs would not cooperate, but once Cas was able to calm himself he pulled Dean into the most intense kiss either of them had ever experienced. When he finally let Dean go he laughed at the look of surprise on Dean’s face.

“If I knew you’d kiss me like that I’d propose more often.” Dean joked.

“If I hadn’t been such an idiot we could have been here like seven years ago.” 

Cas was still prone to self-flagellation from time to time and Dean pulled him close.

“Don’t do that. We’re here now, and now is what matters.”

Cas nodded. “You’re right. I love you Dean, so much.”

“I love you too Cas. I always will.”

And here they were now, standing facing one another in front of everyone they loved most in this world as Cas’ brother Gabe conducted their wedding. He had never in his life been surer of anything than of the fact that he was deeply and completely in love with Dean Winchester, and that marrying him and spending the rest of his life with this man was the best decision he was ever going to make in his life. As he repeated the vows his brother was giving him his heart beat faster.

“I do.” Dean said, a beautiful smile on his lips, his eyes so full of love and adoration.

Cas slipped the silver band onto Dean’s finger, something that at one point he had been so afraid he would never be able to do, but here he was, pledging his life to the man he loved, feeling happier than he had ever felt before in his life. Then Dean was repeating what Gabe was saying, and slipping a second silver band onto Cas’ finger.

“I do.” Cas replied once Dean was finished speaking.

Dean’s smile was the brightest he had ever seen before in his life, and Cas thought that maybe he loved him more in that moment than he ever had before. Gabe concluded the ceremony and then Dean was leaning in, kissing him, and Cas kissed him back with almost as much fervor as he had when Dean had first proposed. It left them both breathless. Everyone was cheering.

“May I now introduce Dean and Castiel Winchester!” Gabe announced, and the entire church erupted in loud cheers.

“Today is the first day of the rest of our lives Cas. Let’s make the most of it.” Dean said, taking his hand.

“As long as you’re by my side, I fully intend to.” 

Cas said it as a promise, and Dean understood what he meant. They had left their pasts behind them, deciding to focus on their future. They were happy and in love, and for the rest of their lives, Cas kept his promise. He loved Dean with every ounce of his being, and they raised their children in a house full of deep love and devotion, showing them that two people could fall in love and stay together for the rest of their lives. They were honest with their kids and told them that there had been some rocky patches early in their relationship, but that their love had prevailed in the end, bringing them back together again. They showed their children and grandchildren that true love was real, and that happiness could be found if they looked hard enough. The legacy they left behind was one that their family would speak fondly of for generations to come. Of two men that, facing the loss of everything they had ever loved, put aside their fears and came back to one another, and they never let anything tear them apart again.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this, please, leave a comment or a kudos, or both, so I can get an idea of whether this is the kind of stuff you like me to write. I really, really like the angst.


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